Do I belong on this side of the Table?

I love going out to dance and eat. I swear, nothing takes stress away like dancing it off.

But… my inability to notice the smallest little details, makes it very difficult for me to enjoy myself, No… that is not what I mean, It makes it very difficult for me to feel comfortable. What the hell am I talking about? Well…..

When I go out to dance or eat the patrons tend to be white people and the staff is divided into white and brown. The white people are usually bartenders and hostesses, while brown people are the busboys and bar backs. Hm… I feel like my idea is going to be hard to express so I will give this weekend for example. I went out for a friends birthday party on Friday. We went to a bar with a dance floor. There we were greeted by a white hostess and a white bartender. The clientele seemed to be 95% white and 5% mix. The brown people I did see where – you guessed it- the barbacks and the people walking around mopping up the spills.

Now, is my problem the idea that brown people are barbacks? No? Or that the bartender is white? NO! My idea I am trying to explain right now is………. the DISCOMFORT I feel when at these locations. It is not that I do not feel like I fit in BUT that I am somehow NOT suppose to be there or that I am betraying brown people.

Now… anyone who reads this, I am sure is like wtf is this woman talking about. I don’t expect anyone to understand it but I just want to put on paper what I feel.

I do feel like I am somehow betraying brown people or in a way think they might think… what is she doing there, its like I belong on the other side of this ‘invisibal line” I am so adamant is there. (regardless of what my brother says)

Another example is that I went to brunch this weekend to catch up with some high school buddies and noticed the same thing. I was the only brown one their which was not a busboy.

Now, as my mother ALWAYS says, only you think about this crap. Now, I am not forcing it. It is just something I CANNOT HELP but notice.

When I walk into places EVERDAY and I am the only BROWN person that is a patron and not a member of the lowest paid staffer such as bellboy, busboy, or janitor it affects me. I CANNOT HELP IT.

As many people know, I have recently entered law school, in the evening program. Out of 99 there are two Latinas and NO latinos. Out of the two Latinas, I am the darker shade. I have also noticed that out of all the rooms, I frequent such as the classroom and the study lounge, It is nice to be surrounded by pictures most of which are white men. I am not going to lie. Seeing that there is only two brown people in my class and SO FEW on the walls in my classroom and lounge, always makes me think about …. Am I not suppose to be here? Did I not get the memo?

Now, in NO WAY do I want to come across seeming weak, BECAUSE I have wanted to be an advocate for justice since I was 11 and Law school has been my goal since I was 15 so I would be damned if I let anything deter me from my goal – Even extremely large loan debt and three years of not sleeping- But it is something that I think about every day. (especially because I get to see it everday) Yes. Whenever I notice a student of color, I do a double take because they are so few.

I just read an article about how diversity is decreasing in Law schools and I am happy someone else noticed the same thing. At least I know, its not just me. Oh, well. I guess I just have to suck it up and keep at it for the few that are still in law school.