Do I belong on this side of the Table?

I love going out to dance and eat. I swear, nothing takes stress away like dancing it off.

But… my inability to notice the smallest little details, makes it very difficult for me to enjoy myself, No… that is not what I mean, It makes it very difficult for me to feel comfortable. What the hell am I talking about? Well…..

When I go out to dance or eat the patrons tend to be white people and the staff is divided into white and brown. The white people are usually bartenders and hostesses, while brown people are the busboys and bar backs. Hm… I feel like my idea is going to be hard to express so I will give this weekend for example. I went out for a friends birthday party on Friday. We went to a bar with a dance floor. There we were greeted by a white hostess and a white bartender. The clientele seemed to be 95% white and 5% mix. The brown people I did see where – you guessed it- the barbacks and the people walking around mopping up the spills.

Now, is my problem the idea that brown people are barbacks? No? Or that the bartender is white? NO! My idea I am trying to explain right now is………. the DISCOMFORT I feel when at these locations. It is not that I do not feel like I fit in BUT that I am somehow NOT suppose to be there or that I am betraying brown people.

Now… anyone who reads this, I am sure is like wtf is this woman talking about. I don’t expect anyone to understand it but I just want to put on paper what I feel.

I do feel like I am somehow betraying brown people or in a way think they might think… what is she doing there, its like I belong on the other side of this ‘invisibal line” I am so adamant is there. (regardless of what my brother says)

Another example is that I went to brunch this weekend to catch up with some high school buddies and noticed the same thing. I was the only brown one their which was not a busboy.

Now, as my mother ALWAYS says, only you think about this crap. Now, I am not forcing it. It is just something I CANNOT HELP but notice.

When I walk into places EVERDAY and I am the only BROWN person that is a patron and not a member of the lowest paid staffer such as bellboy, busboy, or janitor it affects me. I CANNOT HELP IT.

As many people know, I have recently entered law school, in the evening program. Out of 99 there are two Latinas and NO latinos. Out of the two Latinas, I am the darker shade. I have also noticed that out of all the rooms, I frequent such as the classroom and the study lounge, It is nice to be surrounded by pictures most of which are white men. I am not going to lie. Seeing that there is only two brown people in my class and SO FEW on the walls in my classroom and lounge, always makes me think about …. Am I not suppose to be here? Did I not get the memo?

Now, in NO WAY do I want to come across seeming weak, BECAUSE I have wanted to be an advocate for justice since I was 11 and Law school has been my goal since I was 15 so I would be damned if I let anything deter me from my goal – Even extremely large loan debt and three years of not sleeping- But it is something that I think about every day. (especially because I get to see it everday) Yes. Whenever I notice a student of color, I do a double take because they are so few.

I just read an article about how diversity is decreasing in Law schools and I am happy someone else noticed the same thing. At least I know, its not just me. Oh, well. I guess I just have to suck it up and keep at it for the few that are still in law school.

Amigos

Every American TV series I saw dealt with how important friendships were, such as Sex in the City, Friends, and Full House.

These three TV series I think of as my education to American culture. Full House was a staple in my family. Our family quoted Joey on a daily basis. "Cut, It, Out"

One theme that really stuck with me was the idea that white people-americans valued their friends, A LOT. It seemed they really didn't like their families and only saw them during the holidays but their friends they loved, they treated them like family. I remember one phrase often quoted in each series was "Friends are the family you get to pick."

So having this idea in my head... I always put a strong emphasis on acquiring these long lasting friendships I saw on TV. But after I graduated grade school without any strong relationships (I did move to 4 different elementary schools) I thought high school would definitely be it. Then High school came and went and I came out with two friends... and one doesn't even talk to me anymore..... granted that is another blog. Then Undergrad, came out with two. And now here we are .... first year of law school and I don't really have that group, like I saw in the TV series.... does that not exist?

Hey I definitely do not want to come out like I am complaining cause I gotta love the friends I have. I am just trying to explain how an idea I have had for so long... seems to been silly to try to achieve...

First Generation Guatemalan American - alright, I have a name - but I still don't feel complete.

For a long time I wondered, what the hell was I. I don't know why I thought putting a label on myself would make me feel better but I always thought it would.

Growing up I always thought I was Guatemalan. Why? I don't know. I lived in Chicago, Illinois a.k.a the United States of America. Maybe it was because my parents were Guatemalans? Although they always told me I was American?

It wasn't until undergrad that I thought of myself as Guatemalan -American. Guatemalteca por que mis papas eran Guatemaltecos, and thus I swore I had Guatemalan blood. And American bc I was born and lived in the U.S.

But that did not last long. I soon started realizing that I still wasn't like everyone else... who everyone else? Well 1st generation Latinos, you know, children of immigrants. I didn't have their accents, I didn't share their communities and I sure as hell didn't dress like them. But that - is a whole other story. I digress.

In undergrad, I started noticing I wasn't like all the other hyphenated Americans - Italian-American, Irish-American, German-American. People's families who called themselves the latter had been in the U.S. for years! My family a.k.a my parents had 19 yrs being here. That's when I decided I was a first generation Guatemalan American.

Well I wish it could end there. Then.... I started working in the corporate world and going to Law school. Then I realized not only was I a first generation Guatemalan American, I was a first generation Guatemalan American woman! ahh.... just another noun to add to my beautiful label.

Well, I wish I could say, that revelation, that ability to label myself did wonders for me...... pero no. I think it has gotten me closer -to what - I don't know but definitely something.

God, I hope this blogging thing goes well. I have no clue if anyone will read it or if it is even going to make sense - as I have always been told- YOU WRITE LIKE YOU SPEAK, pero ahi vemos. Siempre lo e querido hacer.