Loosin’ my mind….

It has been forever and a day since I last posted. A LOT has changed. I am back in the states livin’ in Chi-town con la familia. In full fledge finals mode! Almost finished with my second year of law school! I now have THREE jobs and am still strugglin’ economically, how the hell is that possible? Yo no se.

But the most significant change is I am finished with my second relationship. Yes…. Nestor and I are finally over and I couldn’t be more confused. I know EVERYONE and their mother was happy to see us end but what surprised me the most is what finally got me to end it… I felt I was no longer a good person for him. How that makes sense in my head, I do not know. Pero, no turning back now, huh?

So, now I am single, about to finish my second year of law school and two months away from going to study in Spain and then Costa Rica, and the only thing I am trying to figure out is my social justice work.

Am I working with a bi-national non-profit or they just using me because its convenient for them at this point. Does el jefe only want to work with me socially and not really respect ANY of my ideas?

Should I start working/focusing ONLY on my non-profit? But doesn’t that seem silly since we both are working for the same issues? To the same goal?

Do I keep focusing on an immigration career or do I go straight to the maryknoll missionaries? Am I going to pursue a radical left career or moderate followed with politics. Ugh… can u see why I have headaches so much?

Carlos.....

I am going to try to tell this story with detail but without my feelings ....

My housemate really wanted some pizza so we decided to accompany her. It was raining so when we got to Dominoes we decided to eat there. As I was on my second slice,(of a personal pan pizza) a child runs up and finds shelter from the rain at the entrance of the restaurant. He was definitely soaked. He looked so young. You could see that he was cold. He was carrying the little wooden box to shine shoes. He was just staring at the street.

I called for him… “Amigito! Veni!” (come here) So he did. I asked him if he wanted pizza. He said yes. So, I gave him my pizza (it was a personal so two slices were left.) He was so quiet… as he ate just staring at the floor. I could tell he was on the streets a lot bc of the familiar smell of when I worked in a homeless shelter.

I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but I also didn't want him to sit there in silence. So, while having a convesation...I found out....

His name was Carlos.
He was 9 and he worked from 8am – 11pm.
He had three brothers and he was the youngest. His other brother sold gum on the streets.

Then, my housemate asks... "do u go to schoo?" He said yes. I jumped in, "what time? (on the weekends or maybe it was seasonal I thought cause he said he worked 8am to 11pm)" He smiled and said ... "No, I dont go to school."

My housemate went and bought him a coke. When we were all done, we parted ways. It was around 9pm, so he still had two hours to work in the rain.

As I was walking back to the apartment. I felt a ball of grief in the pit of my stomach and the words “It is NOT fair!” stuck in my throat. Then I remembered what a 3L said. “I think it is easy for poor people to say to rich people, ‘hey, give some of it up so we can rise and you can fall – and we could meet in the middle!’ Bc if they (the poor) had money, they wouldn’t give it up.”

I don’t understand how she could believe that. Because if that is true - she is saying that all rich people are selfish and evil. That they would make the conscious choice to NOT give up privileges and luxuries so that others could have it and we could all be the same – we could meet in the middle. We could all have a fighting chance. Especially SINCE the rich people are directly linked to the causes contributing to Carlos' poverty.

If that is true.... then where is Diosito?

Dame un centavito por favor

Poverty, Discrimination, Apathy?

There are a hundreds of children and woman selling in the streets of San Cristobal de Las Casas. Day. Night. And dawn. They are all indigenous and are selling their weavings. The children are selling toys, gum, roses, or are offering shining your shoes. The ones that are not selling anything just say, “ dame un centavito por favor….” It damn breaks your heart!

At night between the hours of 9pm and 3am, in front of the cathedral indigenous woman sit on the floor with their crafts in front of them. They are there with their children and babies. The scene is so impacting, I have been thinking – contemplating it since I have arrived.

I am very conscious and socially active. But the image of poverty link with discrimination and child labor is causing me to become two things – either break into tears or completely ignore it. Clearly neither are efficient options.

What I understand

I understand that the child labor is not forced by the parents but it is a necessity because of the level of poverty they are dealing with. I also understand that because of discrimination the ones I see at 1am sitting on concrete with their newborns and toddlers are indigenous. I understand that no parent wants their newborn outside in the cold all night or their toddler playing barefooted on the street at 2am. I also understand the reality of politics attributing to their poverty. I can also see the link between NAFTA a.k.a U.S. foreign Policy – and their poverty.

The question

What I am trying to figure out is what should my response be. Should I just use it as encouragement for me to continue to strive to help fight against inequality, injustices, and discrimination. Or is the fact that I feel like crying every night because of the reality of these children so much that I need to literary block it from my mind?
I don’t even think my description could give justice of what emotions rise in you as you see the woman and children on the cold concrete floor at 2am selling their works. It is too much to understand – in my case- with a tear rollin down ur cheek.

Fuerte, Feo, y Formal

I am asked if I am pregnant about twice a month. Anyone who thinks I am exaggerating has only to go out with me a couple of times to realize this is 100% true. I remember being 13 when my neighbor told me... "You must be having triplets because that is two big for even twins!"

I am chubby! Always have been and I especially carry my weight in my stomach. So, yea it sucks and I try my best to be in shape. Its hard. I LOVE being active but its hard for me to loose weight.

But then I get annoyed bc I think I am fine how I am. I tell everyone I don't think Im pretty but I sure am nice and sincere. But as I have grown up - aka now in my middle twenties when everyone and their mama is getting married - everyone finds it their business to tell me to loose weight or I wont have someone love me! My mom even told me I am a $50 ring but look like a $10 ring which is why people don't cherish me.

I find that absurd as long as I am fine with myself isn't that what matter. I know I lead a crazy fucking life with 3 jobs, law school, family, and 5 non-profits I belong too. I try to my make my HEALTH a priority not getting skinny.

But lately everyone keeps pointing it out like it upsets them. I don't understand. Usually, I can brush it off but yesterday it showed me some events where I cannot forget it because it is right there in my face.

We went out to a dance club last night with a bunch of girlfriends for Shelly's bday. As I was getting ready, I realized fuck.. I love dancing but hate going to clubs with my girlfriends. Why? Because they are all super cute and SKINNY and get asked to dance while I end up standing there waiting for them to be done. It sucks. It makes me feel so ugly. Now, like I said. I know im not hot but I know im a nice person. But I am thinking that really doesn't matter when you want a partner, a relationship. And THAT, makes me sad. So, as I am sitting there all alone and feeling pretty ugly I start thinking ... maybe I should loose weight - stop what I am doing- and focus on loosing weight.

But then I think, if I do loose weight how the fuck will I ever know if someone will love me for me? Ugh॥ this my friends sucks......

Inspired by Caramelo……
Feo, Fuerte, y Formal
Twenty-five year old first generation Guatemalan American. Bilingual. Nice, sincere, and passionate. A social activist, who is very out spoken. Chubby – especially in the mid section. Curses like a sailor and loves like Sahiry. I am extremely ambitious and goal-oriented. Adventurous and loves the outdoors. Impulsive. Doesn’t want kids but is open to rethinking it later in life.
Looking for a man from thirty and up… must be socially conscious and spiritual. Hard working but loves life. Happy and family oriented. Not a drunk or machista. Loves music, adventurous, and Compassionate.

Dear First Lady .......................................

I visited a Guatemalan mother deported to her country.
Next to her was her three year old U.S. citizen daughter.
They were living in complete poverty it BROKE my heart.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
The only difference between her and me was that my parents were naturalized by the Amnesty under Reagan's administration.
I understand Migration is tied to our -USA- foreign policy but until we fix that families-people-children- and lives are being torn apart.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
They are not criminals, my parents weren't criminals.
They were just surviving.
My mom came here because she didn't see a future for me in Guatemala.
Guatemala was in a bloody civil war - STARTED BY THE UNITED FRUIT COMPANY and THE C.I.A.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
Look, I understand that everyone is right.
Well, except for racist people (ehem.. tea party and kkk)
But while you fix this whole mess. I.E. foreign policy
You have to help your brothers and sisters.
They are SUFFERING.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.

Do I belong on this side of the Table?

I love going out to dance and eat. I swear, nothing takes stress away like dancing it off.

But… my inability to notice the smallest little details, makes it very difficult for me to enjoy myself, No… that is not what I mean, It makes it very difficult for me to feel comfortable. What the hell am I talking about? Well…..

When I go out to dance or eat the patrons tend to be white people and the staff is divided into white and brown. The white people are usually bartenders and hostesses, while brown people are the busboys and bar backs. Hm… I feel like my idea is going to be hard to express so I will give this weekend for example. I went out for a friends birthday party on Friday. We went to a bar with a dance floor. There we were greeted by a white hostess and a white bartender. The clientele seemed to be 95% white and 5% mix. The brown people I did see where – you guessed it- the barbacks and the people walking around mopping up the spills.

Now, is my problem the idea that brown people are barbacks? No? Or that the bartender is white? NO! My idea I am trying to explain right now is………. the DISCOMFORT I feel when at these locations. It is not that I do not feel like I fit in BUT that I am somehow NOT suppose to be there or that I am betraying brown people.

Now… anyone who reads this, I am sure is like wtf is this woman talking about. I don’t expect anyone to understand it but I just want to put on paper what I feel.

I do feel like I am somehow betraying brown people or in a way think they might think… what is she doing there, its like I belong on the other side of this ‘invisibal line” I am so adamant is there. (regardless of what my brother says)

Another example is that I went to brunch this weekend to catch up with some high school buddies and noticed the same thing. I was the only brown one their which was not a busboy.

Now, as my mother ALWAYS says, only you think about this crap. Now, I am not forcing it. It is just something I CANNOT HELP but notice.

When I walk into places EVERDAY and I am the only BROWN person that is a patron and not a member of the lowest paid staffer such as bellboy, busboy, or janitor it affects me. I CANNOT HELP IT.

As many people know, I have recently entered law school, in the evening program. Out of 99 there are two Latinas and NO latinos. Out of the two Latinas, I am the darker shade. I have also noticed that out of all the rooms, I frequent such as the classroom and the study lounge, It is nice to be surrounded by pictures most of which are white men. I am not going to lie. Seeing that there is only two brown people in my class and SO FEW on the walls in my classroom and lounge, always makes me think about …. Am I not suppose to be here? Did I not get the memo?

Now, in NO WAY do I want to come across seeming weak, BECAUSE I have wanted to be an advocate for justice since I was 11 and Law school has been my goal since I was 15 so I would be damned if I let anything deter me from my goal – Even extremely large loan debt and three years of not sleeping- But it is something that I think about every day. (especially because I get to see it everday) Yes. Whenever I notice a student of color, I do a double take because they are so few.

I just read an article about how diversity is decreasing in Law schools and I am happy someone else noticed the same thing. At least I know, its not just me. Oh, well. I guess I just have to suck it up and keep at it for the few that are still in law school.

Amigos

Every American TV series I saw dealt with how important friendships were, such as Sex in the City, Friends, and Full House.

These three TV series I think of as my education to American culture. Full House was a staple in my family. Our family quoted Joey on a daily basis. "Cut, It, Out"

One theme that really stuck with me was the idea that white people-americans valued their friends, A LOT. It seemed they really didn't like their families and only saw them during the holidays but their friends they loved, they treated them like family. I remember one phrase often quoted in each series was "Friends are the family you get to pick."

So having this idea in my head... I always put a strong emphasis on acquiring these long lasting friendships I saw on TV. But after I graduated grade school without any strong relationships (I did move to 4 different elementary schools) I thought high school would definitely be it. Then High school came and went and I came out with two friends... and one doesn't even talk to me anymore..... granted that is another blog. Then Undergrad, came out with two. And now here we are .... first year of law school and I don't really have that group, like I saw in the TV series.... does that not exist?

Hey I definitely do not want to come out like I am complaining cause I gotta love the friends I have. I am just trying to explain how an idea I have had for so long... seems to been silly to try to achieve...